U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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