I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
