what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
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Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
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My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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