dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
