a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
They took my balls.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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