this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
