Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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