Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
