remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
