I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
