I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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