just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
