Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
