Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
