There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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