I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
