Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
