My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
