I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
