When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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