is your mom at the bar?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
