Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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