just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
