Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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