you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
