My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
