If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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