You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
