And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize