Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
