Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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