I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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