In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize
