He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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