I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
