Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
only you would photoshop your dick
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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