Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
