after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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