thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
