The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
