we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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