You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Randomize
