You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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