Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
