Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
