ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
