It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
