i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
