phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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