I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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