Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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