Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
