dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
