she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
