You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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