Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
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I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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